You're Not Immortal
by TheAudOne
Summary: A Parody: A  Satanic, Sadistic  Tale of a Suicidal Slut of a "Goffick" Mary Sue Vampire. Also known as the remake of My Immortal by xxxbloodyrists666xxx.
1. Hai Thar

**You're [Not] Immortal  
**A (Satanic) Sadistic (Tail?) Tale of a (Suicidal Slut) "Goffick" Freak of an (Emomancer) Vampire

* * *

_Hello. This is Ad speaking. I suppose you could consider this an "Author's Note", so I will refer to them as such in the future. Have you heard of My Immortal? Surely you have if you are here now._

_Anyway, this is a fanfiction of a "fanfiction"... in this case, I use the term fanfiction extremely loosely, because this story, and it's original, have nearly nonexistent ties to the original story - AKA Harry Potter._

_My friend - Olive - and I have decided that we wanted to re-write it. Just for funsies. So, I grabbed the odd chapters, and she - hopefully - will pick up the even. If not, then it's just you and me._

_I felt that I owed this much to the fabulous J. K. Rowling for "Tara" - or "XXXbloodyrists666XXX" - completely destroying her works._

_So, without further ado, please read and review._

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**Chapter One:**

Hello.

My name is Tara Gilesbie, but my stripper name is Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way.

I am a vampire.

Haha. Just kidding. The teeth are implants and I just drink tomato juice. No, just kidding. I really am a vampire. My teeth are perfectly, pearly white and my long, beautiful, ebony-black hair – that's how I got my name, because my parental units knew I was going to be a Mary Sue before I was even born – has purple streaks and red tips – which, by the way, are totally natural. It flows unnecessarily seductively down to my mid-back, and matches my icy blue eyes which shine like limpid tears. A lot of people tell me I look like Amy Lee. It's not true, but that's okay, because I'm still amazing, even with my vampiric, pale, white skin.

I am also a witch.

For serious, this time. I go to a school of magic called Hogwarts – which is not in England, but it's close – where I am a seventh year student. Did I mention I am seventeen and totally smoking hot enough to turn gay men straight – or bi – and emotionless, grown men into pedophiles?

I am also a goth – as if you couldn't tell – so, I wear mostly black. I love Hot Topic with a burning passion – that is all that I can manage to exude from my icy, vampiric heart – and I buy all of my clothes from there. For example, today I was wearing – since now you have to care – a black corset with matching lace around it and a black leather miniskirt – which needs to be oiled every two hours so my legs don't stick – over pink fishnet stockings and black combat boots. I added the unnecessary touches of black lipstick, white foundation – since, apparently, I'm not pale enough as it is – black eyeliner, and red eye shadow. Aren't I gorgeous?

I decided to take a walk around outside Hogwarts. It was snowing and raining – which could be known as sleeting – so no sun was showing. This fact made me very happy, since I am a vampire. A lot of plastic, overly colourful preps stared at me as I passed them.

This made me upset, so I showed them my middle finger – I know now that I had just mistaken it with my thumb…

"Hey, Ebony!" a voice shouted at me. I looked up, and saw that someone had suddenly appeared by me that I totally had not noticed before now. It was – insert an over abundance of dramatic periods here – Draco Malfoy!

"What's up, Draco?" I asked, my voice reverberating like smooth, chocolate velvet.

"Nothing," he responded, shyly.

I opened my mouth to continue this assuredly interesting conversation, but I heard my friends – which, yes, I do have – call me, and I had to go away.

I guess I am too embarrassed to be seen with him...

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_A/N: Hello to all! I do hope you have thoroughly enjoyed this nonsense. May we all wish Olive the best of luck for Chapter Two. I promise, I truly love you all._

_kthnxbai._


	2. GC Squeelzors

**You're [Not] Immortal**  
A Satanic/Sadistic Tail?/Tale of a Suicidal Slut/"Goffick" Freak of (an Emomancer) a Vampire.

* * *

**AN: **Hello, Ad here. Since this is a duo-author dynamic, I have decided to make "AN" stand for "Ad's Note" and "ON" stand for "Olive's Note".

**ON:** Hello, all! Olive here. So, I will be taking the even chapters (chapter 4 yes!). I might take longer writing them because I'm WAY "boisyer" (AN: busier) than Aud-ball (AN: that's me) will ever be. Also, this chapter isn't written as "sexally" as chapter one, because I wrote it (AN: and not the amazing Ad ;D). I don't use abnormally strange/giant fantastical words like Aud does. Yell at me for not paying attention [in English] later. Oh. And thank you for the luck. ;]

**AN:** "BTW" Olive claims that this chapter was "too cramped" and asked me to edit it for her. I tried to leave it verbatim, though. [except for the speeling eeroors]

So, without further ado, please read and review.

* * *

_Previously…_

_A slutty, egotistical, whore-faced son-of-a-bitch wasted our lives telling us about her pathetic, Mary Sue "goffick" epicness within the scripture of – why should we care? – what she was wearing._

_Oh. And she talked to Drak – I mean, Draco…_

* * *

**Chapter Two.**

I woke up in my bedroom. You know, if I woke up any place else it would have just been cree – I mean, _preppy_. It was snowing and raining again – which, normally, would be called sleet, but, of course, that word doesn't really exist, so we're okay. My coffin doesn't have a door, it has a lid, so I opened it to enter my room. Oh, just in case you were wondering, my coffin is black-ebony. Can you believe that the wood is named after me? I know! _Satan_, I'm so awesome.

I had worn my MCR T-shirt – I forgot the name of my favorite band, so I couldn't even spell it out for you – as pajamas. I would've worn it to class, but it wasn't nearly as sluttish – ER… I mean _goffick_ as I wanted it to be. Instead, I put on a black leather dress, mostly because I hate to move normally. I wore combat boots and black fishnet stockings, and, to top it all off, I put on my _favorite_ pentagram necklace. Because that's what goffs wear, right? Well, if they don't, then they're preps. Oh, and my hair was in a messy bun, because that's so goffick.

Just in case you forgot, I go to Hogwarts – because if you weren't reminded, you would probably (surely) forget – so, I share a room with my biff Raven. We don't call her that, though, because it wasn't depressing enough. Now, we call her Willow – which is a real name(don't worry, I checked). She woke up and grinned at me as she flipped her long, incredibly detailed, black hair, trying to seduce me. It didn't work, of course, but I smiled at her for her perseverance. We put on our make-up, practicing for when we'll be put on the street later on in life. Then she started talking to me, which is weird because she has little to no dialogue later on in the story.

"OMFG. I saw you talking to Draco Malfoy yesterday!" she said as excitedly as her little, vampire heart could take. Well, of course she's a vampire, too, don't cha know?

"Yea? So?" I said, not blushing because I'm a _vampire_ and, therefore, not _alive_. Drako… _Draco_ talking to me is no biggie. Of course, he's the hottest guy in magic school, but every hot guy talks to me. Because I'm worth it.

"Do you like Draco?" she asked as we went out of the Slytherin common room and into the Great Hall.

"No, I so fucking don't!" I shouted, which was completely called for.

"Yea, right!" she exclaimed. I couldn't believe she saw through my lie. As I contemplated how this could have possibly happened, Draco came up to me.

"Hi," he said.

"Hi," I said – flirtatiously.

"Guess what," he said.

"What?" I said.

Our conversation was too intellectual for Willow, and turned her into a block of cheese. After all, that makes more sense than anything else in the rest of this clusterfuck of a story anyway. Neither Draco nor I noticed because she's a minor – geddit? Cuz she's underaged! – character and doesn't matter.

"Well, Good Charlotte, my favorite muggle band, is having a concert in an all wizard village," he told me, sexally.

I became way too excited. Not only did I just make up the best adverb in existence, but I love GC! I love them so much, I don't even bother to write out their whole name.

"Well," unnecessary dramatic pause, "do you want to go with me?" asked Draco, shifting his feet. He's shy like that.

I gasped.

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**ON:** Yea, this "defintally" (AN: definitely?) feels cramped. Sorry. I really need to practice my writing. R&R or whatevs. Thankies!

**AN: **Howdy'do? Hope you enjoy our nonsense. Should I change the age/maturity setting thing? I feel like the humor may be too crude...

Comments/Critiques/Support greatly appreciated!

kthnxbai.


	3. Concerto Charletto

**You're [Not] Immortal**  
A Satanic/Sadistic Tail?/Tale of a Suicidal Slut/"Goffick" Freak of (an Emomancer) a Vampire.

* * *

**AN:** Hello! Ad here. Did you know that this is much more fun to write than it should be and I should be finishing my project right now? Oh well! I just love you all far too much!

Haha. Just kidding.

But I do love you... just not that much. ;]

If there's ever anything you don't understand (that I might? - totally unlikely), feel free to ask questions.

Anyway, without further ado, please read and review.

* * *

_Previously…_

_Explosion! – Enoby/Ebony/Egogy/Ebondy/TaEbory is a moody bitch… Dayum._

_Whoa! No way! Muggle concert in wiserd town! Yay! – GC comes to town._

_Mmm. It smells gouda. – Willow turns into a block of cheese!_

_GASP! – Draco's taking Mary … EBONY to the concert! Yay?_

* * *

**Chapter Three.**

It was the night of the concert, and I was _oober_ excited. Since I'm a poser with limited to nonexistent creativity, I'll spam this chapter with an endless description of what whore costume I decided to wear: I put on my black, lace up, dominatrix boots along with some ripped, red, fishnet stockings – which I should throw away, but they're too goffick to deserve that. Then, over that, I put on a black, leather corset-dress-freak-of-nature-abomination-thing and added matching fishnet on my arms.

Am I missing something?

…

Yeah. That's right. I go _commando_.

Once I had dressed, I straightened my hair and made it look all spiky – as spiky as _long_ hair can be, anyway.

I felt a sudden pang of depression – for no apparent reason whatsoever – so, I pulled out a razor and slit one of my wrists. As I waited for it to stop bleeding, I read a depressing book – to make myself feel so much better? – and listened to some GC. When my wrist finally scabbed over, I painted my nails black and put on more black eyeliner than a walrus has blubber – in more politically correct terms: it was a shit-ton of eyeliner. Then, I put on some black lipstick. I disregarded my foundation this time – just like my sense of fashion and storytelling – because I was – AM – pale, anyway.

Before I left, I made sure to drink some – HUMAN – blood from a bottle I had… commandeered from a hospital? It was refreshing, and left me ready to go for the concert.

When I went outside, I saw Draco standing there by his flying _black _Mercedes-Benz whose license plate said "666". We got in and flew to the concert – and they said pigs couldn't fly.

On the way there, we listened to Good Charlotte – oh yeah, that's their name – and Marilyn Manson. We both smoked cigarettes and drugs. What? Cigarettes are drugs? Uh… cigarettes and _other_ drugs?

I would've known that if I lived above the influence – do not operate heavy or vehicular machinery while under the influence of potentially harmful substances!

When we got there – where is "_there_", anyway? – we hopped out of the car. Mhm, that boy is sexy. As I looked him over, I took in his attire. He was wearing a Simple Plan T-shirt – who will also be playing at the show. Why? Eye dee kay, my bee ehf ehf, Jill? – baggy, black, skater shorts… and shoes…? He was also sporting fine, goffick, _black_ nail polish and a little eyeliner. Mmm.

We went to the mosh pit at the front of the stage and jumped up and down – because we don't know how to dance – as we listened to Good Charlotte.

"Joel is so fucking hot! (AN: I think I just gagged…?)," I said to Draco, pointing to him as he sang, filling the club with his amazing [synonym: atrocious] voice.

Suddenly, Draco looked sad.

"What's wrong?" I asked as we moshed to the music. Then I caught on. "Hey. It's okay. I don't like him better than _you_!" I added.

"Really?" asked Draco, sensitively, as he put his arm around me all protective-like.

"Really," I said. "Besides, I don't even know Joel, and he's going out slash hooking up with that Hillary fucking Duff. I fucking hate that bitch," I said, disgustedly, thinking of her ugly, blonde face.

…

Faces can be blonde, right?

The night went along really well, and I had a great time. Since I did, that automatically means that Draco did, too. After the concert, we managed to commandeer [steal] some illegal contraband [beer] and asked Benji and Joel for autographs and photos with them. Because, you know, we're cool [_goffick_] enough to get within ten feet of celebrities without them running away in fear of AIDS or the like…

Wait, that doesn't normally happen?...

Oh…

Draco and I headed back to the car with our newly acquired GC band tees. When Draco started the car, I expected him to take us back to Hogwarts, but nay. Instead, he drove the car into…

…

…

…

The Forbidden Forest! Ho, shit!

* * *

**AN:** Well, once again, I do hope you are thoroughly enjoying this scrupulous (- wtf?) nonsense.

Love/Comments/Critiques/Support is greatly appreciated! [Flames tolerated, but not enjoyed. AT ALL.]

kthnxbai.


	4. Forbidden Activities

**You're [Not] Immortal  
**A Satanic/Sadistic Tail?/Tale of a Suicidal Slut/"Goffick" Freak of an Emomancer/Vampire

* * *

**A/N: **67 hits? Holy shit, guys! You're amazing. :D

Haha. But seriously. Good to know that you're... enjoying this? Whatevs...

**O/N:** Yes. So, this is CHAPTER 4! Most definitely the climax - geddit? - of the entire story. Har har har.

And thank you to our frequent flyer: **digigirl02**! You are loved! :]

Yea... so, once again, my chapters won't be updated as quickly as Aud's is. (**A/N:** _are_, Olive. _are_.) I'm in theater in school and this is "hell week," but once it's over, I'll be getting shit done!

**A/N:** Haha. Aren't you supposed to do that on a normal basis? -shot-

Anyway, without further ado, please read and review.

* * *

_Previously..._

_Commando! - Nakey cheeks. (remember this. it's important. XD)_

_GC Concert! - Uhm... yay?_

_Flying car! - Pfft. Fine._

_Forbidden Forest! - what happened to all the dangerous magical creatures that earned the forest its name? pretty sure the centaurs wouldn't be happy with them._

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**Chapter Four.**

"Draco!" I shouted in all caps. "What the fuck do you think you're doing?"

Draco didn't answer, but he stopped the flying sex-of-a-car, and he walked out of it… because most people can walk right out of a flying car without landing it. I also proceeded to do this amazing floating trick. I also did it curiously, don't forget that. It's important.

"What the fucking hell?" Aren't I cool?

"Ebony?" he asked.

"What?" I snapped, because being angry with him for no apparent/good reason will help the situation.

Draco leaned in all close-like. I looked into his gothic, abnormally, red eyes – Oh, he was wearing coloured contacts… Of course, he was… - which revealed so much dressing sorrow and evilness, except they were not his real eyes and did no such thing. I suddenly didn't feel mad anymore. Because, everyone feels happy when they are looking into the eyes of someone they love, correct? Correct.

And then…

...-...-...-...-...-...-….elmo…-...-...-...-...-...-...

Suddenly, I, Draco – point of view change – kissed myself passionately. Poor Ebony is all left out, so I (being Draco) told her she could join in making out with the back of my hand.

Draco – you thought I'd let him have the glory? Hah. - climbed on top of me – because we aren't standing…? – and we started to make out keenly (what?) against a tree. He took off my clothes which I never described. HOLY SHIT YOU GUYS! I then took off his clothes. I even… _take. Off. My. Bra._ Yea! Crazy, right? Of course, I had gone commando, so panties were not to be bothered with.

Then he put his thingy into my you-know-what and we did it for the first time. And, somewhere, deep in space, Luke Skywalker died.

It was that intense.

"Oh! Oh! Oh!" I screamed. I actually felt pleasure by this and was starting to get an orgasm, just in case you couldn't tell.

We started to kiss everywhere – the nose, bellybutton, armpit, the whole shebang! – and my pale body got all warm and stuff. Then…

"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUCKERS!11!one!1!ELEVENTY-ONE!"

It was…

..

…

….

…..

*make a wish*

…..

….

…

..

Dumbledore! Oh noes!

* * *

**A/N: **Uhm... so, Olive didn't give me an ending quote/note... so, I guess I'm signing off [even though I would be anyway XD]

We love you and greatly appreciate you support!

P.S. I feel like I should make this rated M... but it's too stupid for me to be able to tell...?

Oh, and, Olive says I shouldn't update more than one chapter a day, but - since I'm writing the next three chapters, anyway - I don't really think she has a say in my decision. ;]

Haha. Just kidding, Olive.

Love you all!

kthnxbai.


	5. Funny Fuckers

**You're [Not] Immortal  
**A Satanic Sadistic Tail Tale of a Suicidal Slut "Goffick" Freak of an Emomancer Vampire

* * *

**A/N: **Wooh! Double update! Haha. Yeah, you're special.

Well, I honestly can't think of anything to say, soooo...

Without further ado, please read and review.

* * *

_Previously…_

_FUNNY FUCKERS FUCKED FURIOUSLY IN THE FORBIDDEN FOREST… and got caught…_

_Haha._

_

* * *

_

**Chapter Five.**

Dumbledore was – obviously – very mad/upset. So, he made me and Draco follow him back to the "castle." Throughout our grand journey of walking to the educational facility and _leaving the overpriced, flying car behind in the Forbidden Forest_, he kept yelling at us angrily.

"You ludicrous fools!" he shouted… _angrily_.

I started to cry tears of bloody angst – because I'm a goffick fucking vampire and _**not**_ a freak – that ran down my pallid face. Draco attempted to comfort me… to no avail…?

When we made it back to the "castle," Dumbledore took us to Professor Snape and Professor McGonagall, who were both looking very angry. Don't ask me why they were coincidentally in the same place at the same time and already suspicious.

"They were having sexual intercourse in the Forbidden Forest!" he yelled in a furious voice. (A/N: I, personally, find this rather fitting.)

"Why did you do such a thing, you mediocre dunces?" asked Professor McGonagall.

"How _dare_ you?" demanded Professor Snape.

"BECAUSE I LOVE HER!" Draco shrieked in response.

Everyone was quiet. Seriously, what the fuck?

Dumbledore and Professor McGonagall still look mad, but Professor Snape – fully attending to his pedophilia – said: "Fine. Very well. You may go up to your rooms."

Draco and I went upstairs – (question mark?) – while the teachers' glares followed us.

"Are you okay, Ebony?" Draco asked me (gently?) when we were back in the Slytherin common room.

"Yeah, I guess," I lied. I headed toward the girls' dorm and brushed my teeth and my hair – because, apparently, I have my own personal bathroom… and what happened to Willow… my _roommate_…? – and changed into a – like you care, but I'll tell you anyway – low-cut, black, floor-length ho-dress with red lace all around it and slid into some black high heels. Too sexy for reality.

When I came out… I realized I have an obsession for unnecessarily placed overdramatic pauses.

Oh. And, Draco was standing in front of the bathroom – and no one noticed him coming into the girls' dorm? – and he started to sing _I Just Wanna Live_. Which is, apparently, a song by Good Charlotte that you would want to sing to your lover…? I was so flattered – I guess – even though he wasn't supposed to be here.

We hugged and kissed. Ooh. Sexy…?

After that, we said goodnight and – we fucked each other valiantly before – he reluctantly went back to his room.

…

Bet you wish that was _The End_, huh?

Haha.

Sucks for you.

* * *

**A/N:** Hey! Thanks for suffering through this!... again!

Oh, and, just to let you know, I traded chapter eleven for Olive's chapter six. So, I'll be writing chapters six AND seven.

That'll give Olive a break... and I just really wanted to write chapter six. XD

Love you all! Please stay tuned!

kthnxbai.


	6. RUMBLEroar

**You're [Not] Immortal****  
**A (Satanic) Sadistic (Tail?) Tale of a (Suicidal Slut) "Goffick" Freak of an (Emomancer) Vampire

* * *

**A/N:** Hey, whoa! It's Ad, here. Didja miss me? Of course you did. :D

So, I really want to get to Olive's chapter eight, because it's AMAZING. No lie.

YOU WILL _LOVE_ EET.

Anywho, without further ado, please read and review.

* * *

_Previously…_

_Left a flying car in the woods… $ 150,000._

_Discovered tears of blood… $20,000 painful procedure to fix that…_

_Acquiring a new-found lover? Priceless…_

_Pissing the shit out of my teachers and headmaster?_

_Best fucking day of my life._

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**Chapter Six.**

The next day, I woke up in my coffin – cold, alone, and _thirsty_. I put on my usual goffick, overly "florid" – if you will – wardrobe of a black miniskirt that was all ripped around the ends and a matching top with red skulls all over it and high heeled boots (that were black). I put on two pairs of skull earrings, and two crosses in my ears – which kind of contradicts Satanism, but is _still_ totally goffick? I spray-painted my hair with purple.

BECAUSE COLORS CAN DO THAT NOW.

In the Great Hall – I removed this extra boring journey of preppy walking because, apparently, you're just supposed to be able to read my mind and know what I'm doing before I do – I ate some Count Chocula (A/N: the greatest fucking cereal ever.) with blood instead of the milk, and a glass of more (red) blood. Does it come in other colors? I mean, I only drink human. I'm a _humanitarian._ Ha.

Suddenly, someone bumped into me, causing all of my – not _mine,_ the blood I was drinking – blood to spill all over my top.

"Bastard!" I shouted angrily. I didn't know who it was, but they would pay for ruining my meal AND my shirt. Angry face.

I regretted saying it, though, when I looked up. I was looking into the pale, white face of a gothic boy with spiky, black hair with red streaks in it. He was wearing so much guyLiner that it was artistically going down his face and around his black lipstick. He didn't have his glasses anymore, and now he was wearing red contact lenses – just like Draco's! – and there was no longer a scar on his forehead. He had a touch of manly stubble on his chin and a sexy English accent – which I've already heard even though he hasn't spoken to me yet?

He looked exactly like Joel Madden (gag). He was so sexy that my body went all hot when I saw him… kind of like getting an erection.

Only, I'm a girl, so I didn't get one. You sicko.

"I'm so sorry," his English accent assured me in a shy voice.

"That's all right. What's your name?" I questioned.

"My name's Harry Potter. Although, most people call me Vampire these days," he grumbled.

"Why?" I exclaimed. (There is no exclamation mark, therefore, no exclamation. Really. You sicko.)

"Because… I love the taste of human blood," he giggled. Creeeper.

"Well, I _am_ a vampire," I confessed. Could you not tell?

"Really?" he whimpered. Guess not…

"Yeah," I RUMBLEroared.

We sat down to talk for a while, then Draco came up behind me – out of nowhere! Gasp! He told me he had a surprise for me, so I went away with him.

What? No goodbye? What a bitch.

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**A/N: **Only about five hundred words per chapter?... Sucky. I'll try harder next time. I promise!

So, yeah. I don't really know what to say about this... _Really_.

Thanks to "Tara" - if that IS her _**real**_ name - for giving me NOTHING to work with. (ack. prepositions!)

Oh well. You know I love you!... right?

kthnxbai.


	7. A is for Abstinence

**You're [Not] Immortal****  
**A (Satanic) Sadistic (Tail?) Tale of a (Suicidal Slut) "Goffick" Freak of an (Emomancer) Vampire

* * *

**A/N:** Just as a heads up, this is the SHORTEST chapter ever written in the face of humanity. EVUR.

So, I really want Olive's chapter. Now. But, whatevs.

So, keeping that in mind, without further ado, please read and review.

* * *

_Previously…_

_Count Chocula is the only vampire that does not drink blood… to make up for it, we drink blood with him._

_I'm a girl. You sicko._

_RUMBLEroar. Because I can._

* * *

**Chapter Seven.**

Draco and I – where _are _we? – held our pale white hands with black nail polish – or else we wouldn't be goffick enough – as we went upstairs. I was wearing –when did I change? – red Satanist things on my nails – say, what? – in red nail polish – way to double describe…

I waved to Vampire as we passed. (Is this like… the next day or something? Please. I'm so confused.) Dark misery was in his depressed eyes – why the long face? I guess he was just jealous that _I_ was going out with Draco.

Anyway, I went upstairs excitedly with Draco – I wonder why? – and we went into his room and lock the door. Wait… why his room? _My_ roommate is the one that disappeared. Yeah. Remember Willow? Because I sure don't. Douche.

Then… Insert – har. har. – over-dramatic pause here.

We started frenching passively. I wasn't really that into it, and that's _totally_ a verb. We began to take off each other's clothes enthusiastically. Which is not passive. At. All.

He felt me up before I took off my top. Which would have been easier had I done my part first. Then, I took off my black leather bra – can that possibly be comfortable? Oh well. Good support? – and he took off his pants. We went on the bed – because we weren't already? Fun… - and started making out naked.

Then, he put his big boy's thingy into my you-know-what place and we HAD SEX. And you can quote me on the quote, unquote.

"Oh, Draco! _Draco_!" I screamed through my rising orgasm. Then, all of a sudden, I saw a tattoo that I had never noticed before on Darco's arm. There was a black heart with an arrow piercing through it. On it, in bloody, gothick writing was the name… _Vampire._

I. Was. _So_. Angry.

"You bastard!" I shouted _angrily_, jumping out of his bed.

"No! No! But, you don't understand!" Draco pleaded. But I've seen too much; _know_ too much.

"No, you fucking idiot!" I shouted. "You probably have AIDs anyway!"

WHOA. Did I just catch a gay joke there?

I put on my clothes all huffily (wtf?) and then stomped out of the room. Draco ran out after me, even though he was naked. His really big you-know-what (I thought he had a thingy and _I_ had the you-know-what…?) but I was too mad to care.

I stomped away. And I did so until I was in Vampire's classroom where he was currently having a lesson with Professor Snape. _Aaaaand_ some other people.

"VAMPIRE POTTER, YOU MOTHERFUCKER!" I yelled.

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**A/N:** P.S. The full title of this chapter is: _"A" is for "Abstinence. Without it, you get AIDs._

Soooo. Yeah. I'm hungry, tired, cold AND I have an essay to write, so this is all you get from me. Hopefully, I'll be able to update Olive's chapter soon.

I love you all? Sure.

kthnxbai.


	8. The Speed of Dark

**You're [Not] Immortal****  
**A (Satanic) Sadistic (Tail?) Tale of a (Suicidal Slut) "Goffick" Freak of an (Emomancer) Vampire

**O/N** omg i am so sorry! i didn't mean for it to go this long! i didn't mean to keep you waiting this long. i already have chapters 10 and 11 written so it won't take me this long. i just really hated this chapter for some reason.  
please read and review! i love hearing from readers!

**AN:** Without further ado, please read and review.

_Previously…_

_A is for AIDS, you cheating mother fucker._

**Chapter Eight.**

Everyone in class stared at me, thinking I could have waited until class was over to argue about something no one else really cared about. Draco had fallowed me into the room. I would have described his outfit in excruciating detail, but he was star-screaming naked. Mmm. He started begging (woof woof) me to take him back. How sexy - pathetic much?

"Ebony, it's not what you think!" Let us all remember he is still completely naked. My friend, B'loody Mary Smith, smiled at our quarrel.

_Pause._

You may be wondering "Who is this chick?" Well, I honestly have no idea. But we have a theory…

_Rewind._

Once upon a time a muggle dentist had kidnapped a baby from a vampire-witch. Even though this vampire witch was extremely powerful, nothing ever happen to this muggle, which raised the question "what is the speed of dark?"

Anyway, the vampire-witch was so powerful, Voldemort had to kill her. Her husband (the baby's father) was so depressed by the fact that not only did she never tell him she was a vampire-witch, but she also cheated on him with Hagrid (oh fuck...) that he committed suicide. Voldemort then found the child and magically gave her nightmares about that night so she could wake up screaming for years to come.

A lovely tale, but this has nothing to do with the current story because Hermione is a muggle-born witch and not a vampire-witch-Hagrid-baby mutant. But for the sake of the story, she got a name change. And – HEY – look! She's a gothic vampire! She's also in Slythern! And just for funnzies, she grew a mustache. Jesus...

_Play._

I hadn't noticed, but we had run into potions class.

"What is your desire, you ridiculous dimwit?" Snape demanded. He wouldn't understand. He's too preppy – which is strange because he is probably the most "gothic" character in the original books – "Draco! I can't believe you cheated on my with Vampire!"

I was standing in the doorway, showing my cash and prizes to all dem ladies. I don't know why Ebony was so angry with me. I had went out with Vampire (I'm bi and so is Ebony [okay what?]) for a while but then he broke my heart. Sad face. He dumped me because he liked Britney(Spears?), a stupid preppy fuck (yep, Spears). We are just good friends now. He dumped Britney and finally came to his senses and became a goth.

"But I'm not going out with Draco anymore!" said Vampire.

"Yeah fucking right! Fuck off, you bastard!" I screamed. I ran out of the room and into the Forbidden Forest where I had lost my virility – if vocab could be taught to strippers, this would really be "virginity" – to Draco and then I started to burst into tears. Oh noes!

**AN:** Okay… so I just have to let you know – well, Olive, because I don't care if you don't care – that I absolutely LOVE this chapter. So much. So much.

Otherwise, I don't really have much to say except…

Please R&R! Love you all!


	9. Death Cloud of Despair

**You're [Not] Immortal****  
**A (Satanic) Sadistic (Tail?) Tale of a (Suicidal Slut) "Goffick" Freak of an (Emomancer) Vampire

**A/N:** Olo?... Uhm… Who the hell are you?

Oh! Well, it's been a while! Good to see you again! … insert innocent giggle here …

Sorry for leaving you alone for soooooo long! Wow… how long has it been? In all honesty, we have quite a few chapters currently written… I just haven't gone through them to edit and publish. Ha…?

Anyway, to begin a barrage of updates this coming week: Without further ado, please read and review.

_Previously…_

_Once upon a time, a muggle dentist had kidnapped a baby from a vampire-witch. Even though this vampire witch was extremely powerful, nothing ever happen to this muggle, which raised the question "what is the speed of dark?" Anyway, the vampire-witch was so powerful, Voldemort had to kill her. Her husband (the baby's father) was so depressed by the fact that not only did she never tell him she was a vampire-witch, but she also cheated on him with Hagrid (oh fuck...) that he committed suicide. Voldemort then found the child and magically gave her nightmares about that night so she could wake up screaming for years to come._

_A lovely tale, but this has nothing to do with the current story because Hermione is a muggle-born witch and not a vampire-witch-Hagrid-baby mutant. But for the sake of the story, she got a name change. And – HEY – look! She's a gothic vampire! She's also in Slythern! And just for funnzies, she grew a mustache. Jesus..._

**Chapter Nine.**

I was so mad that I couldn't help feeling sad. I couldn't believe Draco was cheating on the best girl he'll ever meet! Huh? No, wise-ass. I mean _me_! Even though I had virtually no evidence that my love was cheating on me, I decided to sneak out to the Forbidden Forest. Some unknown force pulled me back to the tree where I took Draco as my first. As I leaned back against the cold bark, I began to cry my bloody tears.

I was wiping a sticky trail from my cheek when a cold gust rattle the branches and their gloomy foliage. I shuddered at the sudden change of temperature and began to cry up to the moon. But, when I raised my eyes, I was struck with the sight of a serpentine man staring down at me with his evil, red eyes. His sights never wavered for a second as he rushed toward me, gliding, on his frozen cloud of death and despair. I guess a flying broomstick wasn't melodratragic enough for this lunatic of a serial killer.

His dark, flowing cloak billowed through the gusts. As the shock finally subsided, I realized that I was now face-to-face with Voldemort!

"No!" my shaky voice shrieked in a scared tone. I turned to get the hell outta there, but Voldemort's voice echoed the imperius curse, reverberating and bouncing between the trees.

I couldn't run away.

I panicked, shouting "Crookshanks!" as I flicked my wand at my coming doom. Voldemort slipped down to the dirt and his cloudy mount dissipated. He began to scream, as if he knew pain. I decided that I felt bad for him, despite my sadist beliefs and his long list of wrong-doings, so I stopped myself from departing.

"Ebony." I could feel his words slither over my skin. I shivered. "Thou must kill Vampire Potter!"

My mind was racing; images of Vampire and his sexy eyes and his gothic, black hair and how his face looks NOTHING like Joel Madden flashed before my eyes.

I suddenly remembered, by a random train of thought, that Draco had said that I didn't understand. Now, it occurred to me, what if Draco went out with Vampire before I went out with him and they broke up?

"No, Voldemort!" I cried as Voldemort tried to hand me a gun. Because they're far more effective than a death curse. "No! Please!"

I'm not above begging.

"Thou must!" he demanded. "If thou dost not, then I shall kill thy beloved Draco!"

How did he know that I was previously loving Draco?

"How did you know?" I asked in a surprised way. Surprisedly?

"Dude, you're so retarded." Voldemort's face contorted. "I hath telekinesis. Bitch," he answered, cruelly. "And if thou doth not kill Vampire, then thou knowst what shall happen to Draco!"

The chilly wind picked up once again as he summoned his frozen evaporation. I could practically hear the cries of woe and the screams of terror from the souls reaped long ago.

And he just flew away.

I was so scared and so mad that I didn't know what to do. I was contemplating the outcomes of my different options, when Draco came running into the woods.

"Draco!" My voice was shrill and slightly brittle. "Hi!"

"Hi," his voice wavered with sadness. His white foundation and messy iLiner kind of made me want to puke, so I'm not really going to finish this sentence.

"Are you okay?" I questioned, even though – really – he should be asking me. But, hey, he didn't witness the most life-threatening moment of my vampiric-so-not-really-life-threatenable life.

"No," he responded.

"I'm sorry I got all mad at you, but I thought you had cheated on me."

"That's okay."

That's it? Well, I figured I'd go ahead and forgive him, since he _was_ the love of my life. Then we headed back to Hogwarts – I bet you forgot that this was even a Harry Potter facfiction, didn't you?

Oh, by the way, we started making out.

Yeah.

**AN:** Ha. This one's not so drastically short! Happy face!

Anyway, I'm not sure why, but I really wanted this chapter to be… well, serious. I hope it turned out decently, since it doesn't really fit with the rest of the story…

Wait.

Nothing fits… even in the original. That's just silly.

The "barrage of updates this week" will probably only be this one, or this and another… we're working on the musical, and we're in intense practice/rehearsal until May second… pretty much…

Hope you enjoyed! [review if you did]

…

Or didn't…


	10. No Flammin Plz

**You're Not Immortal  
**A Sadistic, Satanic Tale of a Suicidal Slut of a "Goffick" Mary Sue Vampire

* * *

**A/N: **WHOA! Long time no update, huh? So… howdy'do? Good? Awesome.

Awe, c'mon now. No need to be so melodratragic. I didn't leave you forever; I told you I'd come back!

… Okay, no…

Be upset if you want. You have the right. But seriously… we intend to make it real this time.

Ferrizzle.

BTDubs: I'm testing something this chapter. I'm debating whether or not to put "Tara's" original works of art before our remake chapters. So, this chapter I'll try it, and you can tell me which way you really prefer.

P.S. I'm also trying something to make this more amusing for myself: Every time she uses an initialism, I will replace it with words having nothing to do with the subject. Fun, right?

So… without further ado, please read & review.

* * *

Tara's:

Chapter 10.

AN: stup it u gay fags if u donot lik ma story den fukk off! ps it turnz out b'loody mary isn't a muggle afert al n she n vampire r evil datz y dey movd houses ok!

I was really scared about Vlodemort all day. I was even upset went to rehearsals with my gothic metal band Bloody Gothic Rose 666. I am the lead singer of it and I play guitar. People say that we sound like a cross between GC, Slipknot and MCR. The other people in the band are B'loody Mary, Vampire, Draco, Ron (although we call him Diabolo now. He has black hair now with blue streaks in it.) and Hargrid. Only today Draco and Vampire were depressed so they weren't coming and we wrote songs instead. I knew Draco was probably slitting his wrists (he wouldn't die because he was a vampire too and the only way you can kill a vampire is with a c-r-o-s-s (there's no way I'm writing that) or a steak) and Vampire was probably watching a depressing movie like The Corpse Bride. I put on a black leather shirt that showed off my boobs and tiny matching miniskirt that said Simple Plan on the butt. You might think I'm a slut but I'm really not.

We were singing a cover of 'Helena' and at the end of the song I suddenly bust into tears.

"Ebony! Are you OK?" B'loody Mary asked in a concerted voice.

"What the fuck do you think?" I asked angrily. And then I said. "Well, Voldemort came and the fucking bastard told me to fucking kill Harry! But I don't want to kill him, because, he's really nice, even if he did go out with Draco. But if I don't kill Harry, then Voldemort, will fucking kill Draco!" I burst into tears.  
Suddenly Draco jumped out from behind a wall.

"Why didn't you fucking tell me!" he shouted. "How could you- you- you fucking poser muggle bitch!" (c is dat out of character?)

I started to cry and cry. Draco started to cry too all sensitive. Then he ran out crying.

We practiced for one more hour. Then suddenly Dumbeldore walked in angrily! His eyes were all fiery and I knew this time it wasn't cause he had a headache.

"What have you done!" He started to cry wisely. (c dats basically nut swering and dis time he wuz relly upset n u wil c y) "Ebony Draco has been found in his room. He committed suicide by slitting his wrists."

* * *

_Previously…_

"_Hi," his voice wavered with sadness. His white foundation and messy iLiner kind of made me want to puke, so I'm not really going to finish this sentence._

"_Are you okay?" I questioned, even though – really – he should be asking me. But, hey, he didn't witness the most life-threatening moment of my vampiric-so-not-really-life-threatenable life._

"_No," he responded._

"_I'm sorry I got all mad at you, but I thought you had cheated on me."_

"_That's okay."_

_That's it? Well, I figured I'd go ahead and forgive him, since he was the love of my life. Then we headed back to Hogwarts – I bet you forgot that this was even a Harry Potter facfiction, didn't you?_

_Oh, by the way, we started making out._

_Yeah.  
_

* * *

**Chapter Ten.**

All day, I could feel this repulsion nagging at me. I knew Voldy could tell what I was doing. I don't know how. It's not like he hath telekinesis, bitch, or anything. I just felt scared.

I was even in a mood when I joined my band for rehearsal. We're a gothic metal band called Constipated Crimson Carnations 333 - [**A/N: **Not gonna lie. This chapter is bullshit. To the max.] – and I'm the lead singer and guitarist. The reminder of my only-I-think-they're-awesome music skills made me a little depressedly cheerier. Though some people say we sound like a cross between Grammar Counsel, Slipknot, and Minimum Cluster Region, but I'm not sure if that's a compliment, since I have no idea who they are.

It almost makes me slightly less emoliciously depressed to know that I got to see my fellow satanic brethren/sisteren B'loody Mary, Vampire Potter, Draco Malfoy [**A/N: **Whose name doesn't get changed why? Okay. I'm sorry. I'll stop.], Ron, and Hargrid. Since Ron is far too preppy of a human name, we gave him the stage name Diabolo Weasley. And we dyed his hair black with blue streaks. To… y'know… match.

Looking back, no one is really sure what happened to Hagrid. He disappeared a few years ago, and no one has seen him since… Everybody has theories, but we just stick with his mutated-dople-ganger-troll-fiend Hargrid. He's a conformist. And, he likes cheese.

But today, Draco and Vampire were depressed – like, me too! – so they didn't come to rehearsal. B'loody Mary helped me write songs while Hargrid and Diabolo continued to be challenged, pothead, inbred freaks for awhile. I knew Draco was probably off slitting his wrists, since that the latest goffick trend. Even though, being a vampire, he really should be careful of how much blood he was letting. Because, y'know, he totally could die, even if he is a vampire and… can't eat steak? Vampire was probably off watching some depressingly cute movie with the Huffle-fucking-finders like The Corpse Bride or Care Bears.

So, I decided to change clothes. Yeah. Rite hurr rite now, bitches. So, I put on a black, leather shirt that showed off my boobs, lack of muscle, and protruding bone and a tiny matching miniskirt that said Simple Plan on the butt. You might think I'm a slut, but you'd be totally and completely correct. Really, though.

Because I'm a moody bitch, I suddenly burst into tears after we finished singing a cover of 'Helena.' For no reason. As per usual. The uge. Totes.

"Ebony! Are you okay?" B'loody Mary asked in a voice that sounded as though it could have been conducted for a small concerto.

"What the fuck do you think?" I asked angrily, wondering why only Voldemort hath telekinesis, bitch and no one else. And then I said: "Well, Voldemort came and the fucking bastard told me to fucking kill Harry!" I'm not sure why I decided to honor his birth-given name, but it felt drummatic at the moment. "But, if I don't kill Harry, then Voldemort will fucking kill Draco!" I burst into tears. That sounds like a terribly sexily terrible way to die.

Then, suddenly, Draco pulled an anti-Houdini and jumped out from behind a wall.

"Why didn't you fucking tell me!" He shouted. Oh. I see now. So _now_ we're talking. "How could you – you – you fucking poser muggle bitch!"

That seemed remarkably out of character to me, so I once again began to cry. Cry my sticky, gooey, slutty tears of period that I can't produce from the proper organ because I'm an UNDEAD POSER BITCH FREAK OF NATURE.

Then, Draco started to cry. Like a baby. And he stormed out of the room. Crying. Like a baby.

We decided to practice for another hour, even after the routine episodes, before Dumbledore walked into our rehearsal space. Angrily! Like a half-burned phoenix. His eyes were all fiery, and I _knew_ this time it wasn't because he had a headache-migraine-hangover.

"What have you done?" He, too, began to cry. I'd like to believe that on their way to their evaporational death, our tears are having a sorrow-tastic orgy right now. His tears of wisdom strolled down his face in a march of sorrow as he said: "Ebony… Draco has been found in his room. He committed suicide by slitting his wrists."

* * *

**A/N:** See? What did I say about all that blood-letting. Stupid vampires. But, you know… he can't possibly be dead because he hasn't come across a c-r-o-s-s or choked to undeath on a steak yet. So… duh.

Anyway, as you can see [or, if you can't, fine…], this chapter has caused me mental and psychological pain. I don't know if I can handle it. Really.

But, hey, whatev's. At this point, I'm dying for you. Beloved fans who may no longer exist.

I bid you adieu, my darlings.

Please stay tuned for CHAPTER ELEVEN. Ho snap.

_[Read and review…?]_


	11. TRIUMELEPHANTLY

**AN:** Woo! Real updates! We're trying to make up for so much lost time, so be expecting some lovin' in the near future.

But, on a more serious note... Gaiz! This chapter deals with serious issues, okay? No one is quite sure what they are yet, but they evidently affect many American schools... or something...

This is totally a lie, but whatever.

But for real: all typos are placed strategically on accident, but are left just as strategically on purpose.

**ON:** honestly... i just wanting to post tara's actually chapter here because it was so perfect on its own... buuuuut i'll grace you with my perfect writing skills (which means my shit)

**AN: **So, without further ado, please read and review!

* * *

Tara's:

Chapter 11.

AN: i sed stup flaming up prepz! c if dis chaptr is srupid!1111 it delz wit rly sris issus! sp c 4 urself if itz ztupid brw fangz 2 ma frend raven 4 hleping me!

XXXXXXXXEXEGGUTORXXXXXXXX

"NO!" I screamed. I was horrorfied! B'loody Mary tried to comfort me but I told her fuck off and I ran to my room crying myself.

Dumbledore chased after me shouting but he had to stop when I went into my room cause he would look like a perv that way.

Anyway, I started crying tears of blood and then I slit both of my wrists. They got all over my clothes so I took them off and jumped into the bath angrily while I put on a Linkin Park song at full volume. I grabbed a steak and almost stuck it into my heart to commit suicide. I was so fucking depressed! I got out of the bathtub and put on a black low-cut dress with lace all over it sandly. I put on black high heels with pink metal stuff on the ends and six pairs of skull earrings. I couldn't fucking believe it.

Then I looked out the window and screamed… Snap was spying on me and he was taking a video tape of me! And Loopin was masticating to it! They were sitting on their broomsticks.

"EW, YOU FUCKING PERVS, STOP LOOKING AT ME NAKED! ARE YOU PEDOS OR WHAT!" I screamed putting on a black towel with a picture of Marilyn Mason on it. Suddenly Vampire ran in.

"Abra Kedavra!" he yelled at Snape and Loopin pointing his womb. I took my gun and shot Snape and Loopin a gazillion times and they both started screaming and the camera broke.

Suddenly, Dumblydore ran in. "Ebony, it has been revealed that someone has - NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" he shouted looking at Snape and Loopin and then he waved his wand and suddenly…Hargrid ran outside on his broom and said everyone we need to talk.

"What do you know, Hargrid? You're just a little Hogwarts student!"

"I MAY BE A HOGWARTS STUDENT…." Hargirid paused angrily. "BUT I AM ALSO A SATANIST!"

"This cannot be." Snap said in a crisp voice as blood dripped from his hand where Dumblydore's wand had shot him. "There must be other factors."

"YOU DON'T HAVE ANY!" I yelled in madly.

Loopin held up the camera triumelephantly. "The lens may be ruined but the tape is still there!"I felt faint, more than I normally do like how it feels when you do not drink enough blood.

"Why are you doing this?" Loopin said angrily while he rubbed his dirty hands on his clook.

And then I heard the words that I had heard before but not from him. I did not know whether to feel shocked and happy or to bite him and drink his blood because I felt faint.

"BECAUSE…BECAUSE…." Hargid said and he paused in the air dramitaclly, waving his wand in the air. Then swooped he in singing to the tune of a gothic version of a song by 50 Cent.

"Because you're goffic?" Snap asked in a little afraid voice cause he was afraind it meant he was connected with Satan.

"Because I LOVE HER!"

* * *

_Previously..._

"_What have you done?" He, too, began to cry. I'd like to believe that on their way to their evaporational death, our tears are having a sorrow-tastic orgy right now. His tears of wisdom strolled down his face in a march of sorrow as he said: "Ebony… Draco has been found in his room. He committed suicide by slitting his wrists."_

* * *

"NO!" I screamed in all caps (ON: I'm sure we've made this joke before...). I was horrified! B'loody Mary tried to comfort me but I told her to fuck off... please take a moment to picture some random chick telling Hermione Granger to quote-unquote "fuck off"... it's hilarious!

I ran to my room crying myself (as opposed to someone doing it for me?). Dumblydore chased after me shouting but he had to stop when I went into my room 'cause he would look like a perv that way. ...I'm not changing that statement... it's pure gold.

Anyway, I started crying tears of unicorn shit and then slit BOTH my wrists, to change it up a bit. They got all over my clothes – y'know, my wrists – which I must have described in the last chapter. I took them off – y'know, my wrists – and decided, since I have so many clothes anyway, I wasn't going to wash them, and all the blood made them look more goffikk... cuz you can NEVER look too anti-social!

I jumped into the bath angrily while I put on a Linkin Park song at full volume. I grabbed a steak and, instead of having a yummy meal someone in Africa would kill for, I tried to stab it into my chest. I'm a genius. I was so fucking depressed. I dare you to go through this story and count how many times I say that! I got out of the bathtub and let the water magically (geddit? cuz we're at Hogwarts? did you forget? cuz i did) dry off as I but on black high heels with pink metal stuff on the ends and SIX pairs of skull earrings! Where? I don't know. Where ever they decided to fit today. I couldn't fucking believe it! Whether the reason was the fact that I couldn't tell what exactly was on my shoes or that I wasn't a prostitute yet has yet to be discovered. Really. I have my own designated corner and everything.

Then I looked out the window and screamed! Snap (who?) was spying on me and was taking a video tape of me! And Loopin (double who?) was onom-nom-noming to it! They were sitting on their broomsticks. (which is actually important and use of good story telling because dorms in Hogwarts are on, like, the 78th level and there is no possible way they could be looking in the window if – ... fuck it. it's just useless information.)

"EW, YOU FUCKING PERVS, STOP LOOKING AT ME NAKED, ARE YOU PEDOS OR WHAT?" I screamed putting a black towel with some fag's face on it over the clothes I just told you I was wearing. I wasn't _really_ naked, so there wouldn't be any need for a towel.

Suddenly, Vampire ran in! To my room, guys. Not the black hole drilled into the pelvis between my thigh fats. Duh.

"Abra Kedavra!" he yelled at Snape and Loopin pointing his womb. -Insert "Harry is now a woman" joke here- The "Abra Kedavra" spell worked almost as well as an "Open Sesame" spell and had the teachers on the floor, screaming in pain. Or maybe that was the gazillion rounds of bullets I just fired at them... eh.

Oh, and the camera broke. What luck.

Dumblydore ran in! "Ebony, it has been revealed that someone has- NOOOOOOOOOO!" he shouted. Honestly, I was really interested in what he had to say! He waved his wand and suddenly...

Hargrid (triple who?) ran outside on his broom (?) and said: "Everyone, we need to talk!" Why? I don't know. Nobody knows.

"What do you know, Hargrid?" (about what?) "You're just a not-little-Hogwarts-student-but-actually-a-giant-slash-teacher!"

"I MAY BE not-little-Hogwarts-student-but-actually-a-giant-slash-teacher BUT..." Hargrid paused for no reason "I'M ALSO A SATANIST!"

A-WHUUUUUUUUUUUT? I never would have guessed...

"This cannot be." Snap said in a crisp voice (correct) as blood dripped from his hand where Dumblydore's wand had shot him (incorrect). Seriously though, when did that happen? His hand was obviously shot when I maniacally shot off a gazillion bullets without reloading this pistol. "There must be other factors!"... What?

"YOU DON'T HAVE ANY!" I yelled in madly. It doesn't make any sense; I just like to yell a lot.

Loopin held up the camera triumphantly whilst riding an elephant, aka: triumelephantly. (**ON:** Let it be known that I WILL make a picture meme of this.) "The lens may be ruined but the tape is still there!" Lol... this guy!

I felt faint, more than I normally do, like how it feels when you don't drink enough blood. I'm sure we ALL know how that feels, amirite? Time to hit up Vol-D-Mart for some O positive. Amirite?

"Why are you doing this?" said Loopin to no one in particular while he rubbed his dirty hands on his clook/cock/cloak.

And then I heard the words that I had heard before but not from him. Haha. Not "You're a slut" you stupid whores! I didn't know whether to feel shocked or happy or to just bite him because he was annoying as all get-out.

"BECAUSE... BECAUSE..." Hargrid said and he paused IN THE AIR dramatically. Then he started singing to the tune of a gothic version of a song by 50 Cent... which doesn't exist and really doesn't need to.

"Because you're goffic?" Snap asked in a little afraid voice because he was afraid it meant he was connected to syphilis – I mean Satin... [**AN:** I couldn't change this typo guys. I'm sorry, Olive. XD]

"BECAUSE I LOVE HER!"I gasped.

* * *

**ON: **... this is straight up poop.

**AN:** But it's really not. XD

I think this is probably my favorite chapter. There are about three others that I might like more than this. Buuuuuuut… this is too good. Just. B. E. A. U-tiful. XD

Anyway, Olive couldn't really find anything to change with this and asked me to change anything… except for what she specifically said not to change. So… I pretty much just left it alone. For the most part.

Hope you enjoyed.

_plz reed n revoiw.! _


	12. SIMPLETONS

**AN: **WHOA! LOOK AT THAT! I made an update, guys. How long has it been? Jeesh. Well, not much to say about this one except… Woo! We graduated high school, y'all. So, updates might end up being even less frequent. Olive's an art major or something, and I'm business and pre-law with community service, golf, fine arts, and quidditch out the wazoo. Hope you don't hate us too much, now. I still love _you_.

Anyway, without further ado, please read and review.

* * *

Tara's:

Chapter 12.

AN: stop f,aing ok hargrid is a pedo 2 a lot of ppl in amerikan skoolz r lik dat I wunted 2 adres da ishu! how du u no snap iant kristian plus hargrid isn't really in luv wif ebony dat was sedric ok!

XXXXXXXXX666XXXXXXXXXX

I was about to slit my wrists again with the silver knife that Drago had given me in case anything happened to him. He had told me to use it valiantly against an enemy but I knew that we must both go together.

"NO!" I THOUGHT IT WAS HAIRgrid but it was Vampire. He started to scream. "OMFG! NOOOOO! MY SCAR HURTS!" and then….. his eyes rolled up! You could only see his red whites.

I stopped. "How did u know?"

"I saw it! And my scar turned back into the lightning bolt!"

"NO!" I ran up closer. "I thought you didn't have a scar anymore!" I shouted.

"I do but Diabolo changed it into a pentagram for me and I always cover it up with foundation." he said back. "Anyway my scar hurt and it turned back into the lightning bolt! Save me! then I had a vision of what was happening to Draco….Volfemort has him bondage!"

Anyway I was in the school nurse's office now recovering from my slit wrists. Snap and Loopin and HAHRID were there too. They were going to St. Mango's after they recovered cause they were pedofiles and you can't have those fucking pervs teaching in a school with lots of hot gurlz. Dumbledore had constipated the cideo camera they took of me naked. I put up my middle finger at them.

Anyway Hargrid came into my hospital bed holding a bouquet of pink roses.

"Enoby I need to tell u somethnig." he said in a v. serious voice, giving me the roses.

"Fuck off." I told him. "You know I fucking hate the color pink anyway, and I don't like fucked up preps like you." I snapped. Hargrid had been mean to me before for being gottik.

"No Enoby." Hargrid says. "Those are not roses."

"What, are they goffs too you poser prep?" I asked cause I was angry that he had brought me pink roses.

"I saved your life!" He yelled angrily. "No you didn't I replied." "You saved me from getting a Paris Hilton p- video made from your shower scene and being vued by Snap and Loopin." Who MASTABATED (c is dat speld rong) to it he added silently.

"Whatever!" I yelled angirly.

He pointed his wand at the pink roses. "These aren't roses." He suddenly looked at them with an evil look in his eye and muttered Well If you wanted Honesty that's all you haD TO SAY! .

"That's not a spell that's an MCR song." I corrected him wisely.

"I know, I was just warming up my vocal cordes." Then he screamed. "Petulus merengo mi kremicli romacio(4 all u cool goffic mcr fans out, there, that is a tribute! specially for raven I love you girl!)imo noto okayo!"

And then the roses turned into a huge black flame floating in the middle of the air. And it was black. Now I knew he wasn't a prep.

"OK I believe you now wtf is Drako?"

Hairgrid rolled his eyes. I looked into the balls of flame but I could c nothing.

"U c, Enobby," Dumblydore said, watching the two of us watching the flame. "2 c wht iz n da flmes(HAHA U REVIEWRS FLAMES GEDDIT) u mst find urslf 1st, k?"

"I HAVE FOUND MYSELF OK YOU MEAN OLD MAN!" Hargrid yelled. dUMBLydore lookd shockd. I guess he didn't have a headache or else he would have said something back.

Hairgrid stormed off back into his bed. "U r a liar, prof dumbledoree!"

Anyway when I got better I went upstairs and put on a black leather minidress that was all ripped on the ends with lace on it. There was some corset stuff on the front. Then I put on black fishnets and black high-heeled boots with pictures of Billie Joe Armstrong on them. I put my hair all out around me so I looked like Samara from the Ring (if u don't know who she iz ur a prep so fuk off!) and I put on blood-red lipstick, black eyeliner and black lip gloss.

"You look kawai, girl." B'loody Mary said sadly. "Fangs (geddit) you do too." I said sadly too, but I was still upset. I slit both of my wrists feeling totally depressed and I sucked all the blood. I cried again in my bathroom and put the shades on so Snap and Loopin couldn't spy on me this time. I went to some classes. Vampire was in the Hair of Magical Magic Creatures. He looked all depressed because Draco had disappeared and he had used to be in love with Draco. He was sucking some blood from a Hufflepuff.

"Hi." he said in a depressed way. "Hi back." I said in an wqually said way.

We both looked at each other for some time. Harry had beautiful red gothic eyes so much like Dracos. Then… we jumped on each other and started screwing each other.

"STOP IT NOW YOU HORNY SIMPLETONS!" shouted Professor McGoggle who was watching us and so was everyone else.

"Vampire you fucker!" I said slapping him. "Stop trying to screw me. You know I loved Draco!" I shouted and then I ran away angrily.

Just then he started to scream. "OMFG! NOOOOO! MY SCAR HURTS!" and then….. his eyes rolled up! You could only see his red whites.

"NO!" I ran up closer.

"I thought you didn't have a scar anymore!" I shouted.

"I do but Diabolo changed it into a pentagram for me and I always cover it up with foundation." he said back. "Anyway my scar hurt and then I had a vision of what was happening to Draco….Volfemort has him bondage!"

* * *

_Previously:_

"_BECAUSE... BECAUSE..." Hargrid said and he paused IN THE AIR dramatically. Then he started singing to the tune of a gothic version of a song by 50 Cent... which doesn't exist and really doesn't need to._

"_Because you're goffic?" Snap asked in a little afraid voice because he was afraid it meant he was connected to syphilis – I mean Satin... [__**AN:**__ I couldn't change this typo guys. I'm sorry, Olive. XD]_

"_BECAUSE I LOVE HER!"I gasped._

* * *

I was so scared.

_No._

I was mindfucked. I didn't know what to do. If I couldn't get away from the fiends constantly falling in love with me, then I'd just have to take myself away. I pulled the silver knife that Drago had given me out of my ass. He had given it to me under his alias to be sure that I would still be protected if anything were to happen to him. He had told me to use it valiantly against an enemy, but I knew that, even though he'd want us to go together, I had to eradicate my final obstacle: _myself_.

"NO!" someone screamed. I thought it was HAIRgrid, and I panicked. My fingers fumbled and the blade dropped to the ground by my feet. To my surprise, it was Vampire who was screaming. "OH, GOD, WHY? NOOOOO! MY SCAR! IT HURTS!"

His ear-shattering shrieks rattled me to my flowing veins. I just couldn't stop thinking about the blood I needed. I _needed_ to feed. But, he just kept screaming like a selfish little bastard. I could almost feel him shaking standing so far away from him. I finally brought my eyes to see him. His jaw gaped as he shook. His eyes rolled back into his head as if trying to see his own brain. _He was so weak._

I stopped myself. "How did you know?" I merely whispered, knowing, somehow, they all could still hear me. Even I wasn't quite sure what I meant. But I knew, somehow, they all did.

"I saw it!" His voice quaked. What could he have possibly seen? "And my scar turned back into the lightning bolt!"

"NO!" I gasped. I ran up closer to him, gazing across his face. "I thought you didn't have a scar anymore!"

Somehow, I had convinced myself it would be easy. Just that easy. What a joke.

"I do. Diabolo changed it into a pentagram for me, even though I always cover it up with foundation. It's just so tacky." His fingers trailed across his forehead; a pained snarl still adorned his features. "My scar just started hurting, and all of a sudden, it turned back into the lightning bolt! Almost like it just transfigured itself on my face… Oh, please save me! I had a… this vision of what was happening… what was happening to Draco."

He paused. An expression crossed his snarl like he couldn't even believe himself. "Voldemort has him bondage!"

No.

_No._

I couldn't stop the unicorn shit from spilling from my eyes while they took me down to the hospital wing. It burned my nasolacrimal ducts while streaking down my cheeks. It smelled god-awful, but I didn't even notice. My gooey blood kept pouring from my wrists and I couldn't even focus.

I don't know when we got there, but I was suddenly in the wing being treated by Madam Pomfrey. Snap, Loopin, and Hargrid were there too. After they recover, they deserve to be sent to St. Mango's because they're disgraceful pedophiles. You can't have those fucking perverts teaching in a school with lots of hot gurlz. I don't know what they are, but gurlz _cannot_ be taught by pedophiles. It just can't happen. Dumbledore, after failing to expel an epic load of shit from his old geezer colon, confiscated Loopin's video camera that had the video of me naked. I didn't even care if they could see me, or were even conscious, I raised my middle finger toward the high heavens and hoped to Satan I'd made my goddamned point.

I heard the shuffle of footsteps nearing my bedside. Hargrid had solidified his poser, pedophilic testes and gathered the gall to approach me. In his hand he wielded a bouquet of pink roses. _I hate pink_.

"Enoby…" he trailed off – probably noticing he said my name wrong – and tried to hand me the roses. "I need to tell you something.

I didn't even have the energy to correct him. All I could muster was: "Fuck off."

I groaned when I noticed he tried to respond to silence him. Then, I snapped, "You know I fucking _hate_the color pink. And I don't like fucked up preparatory students like you!"

Who the hell does he think he is? He used to be mean to _me_ for being goffick!

"No, Enoby." There he goes again. "Those are not roses."

I turned my head weakly to take in the flowers now lying on my bedside table like an offering. I scoffed. I'm goffick. I know roses when I see them. Dipshit. Now, I'm just angry.

"What? Are they too goff for you, you poser prep?"

"I saved your life!" he shouted angrily.

"No, you didn't!" I replied, furious. "You saved me from getting a Paris Hilton porn video made from your shower scene and being viewed by Snap and Loopin!" (**AN:** I'm sorry. I could not, for the life of me, figure out what this sentence was supposed to say.)

"But… they _masticated_ to it…" he added silently, almost telepathically.

"Whatever!" I yelled like a pissy little girl.

In a flash, he'd whipped his wand out of his monstrous coat and pointed them at the pink atrocities laying on the table.

"These aren't roses." He glared down at them with an evil look in his eye and muttered, "Well, if you wanted honesty, that's all you had to say!"

I cackled. And, summoning my crackbrain wisdom, I corrected him: "That's not a spell. That's a Mutation Cluster Region song."

"I _know_. I was just warming up my vocal cords." He cleared he throat before he screamed, "Petulus merengo mi kremicli romacio imo noto okayo!"

**DAFUQ.**

Suddenly the roses shifted. Magic danced around the petals as they tore from the stems one by one. Each floated gracefully higher until the bare stems were all that was left to follow. The dismembered flora twirled around in the air catching flame. The blaze grew bigger and brighter until a huge black flame was floating in the middle of the air. And it was _black_. Now, I knew there was no way he could have gone to a preparatory educational facility.

"Okay… I believe you. Now, what the fuck is Draco?" I was so bewildered I couldn't even speak straight.

Hargrid rolled his eyes at me as if I was supposed to know. I looked into the balls of flame, but I could see nothing. What was this supposed to tell me?

"You see, Ebony…" Dumblydore chimed in, watching the two of us watching the flame. "To see what is in the flames, you must first find yourself. Kk?"

"I HAVE FOUND MYSELF, OKAY, YOU MEAN OLD MAN?" Hargrid yelled, stomping his foot on the ground childishly to attract attention like a spoiled prissy fucking princess.

Dumblydore looked shocked. I guess he didn't have a headache this time, or else he would have said something rude and vulgar back at the giant-teacher-slash-groundskeeper-slash-totally-not-a-student.

Hargrid huffed and stormed back over to his bed. He turned sharply, looking straight at Dumblydore. "You are a _liar_, Professor!"

A while later, I started feeling better. So, I dismissed myself from the ward and headed back upstairs as opposed to going to the dungeons where the Slytherin dormitories are to be a whore-atrix again. When I entered my room after my walk around the school, I put on a black leather mini-corset-dress that was all ripped on the ends with lace on it. The lace was purely decorative. I stole it off my late granny's doilies. Then I slid my never-shaved-because-I-guess-it's-proposterous-to-think-I-could-have-normal-bodily-functions legs into black fishnets. To top it off, I put on a pair of black, high heeled boots that I decorated with pictures of Billie Joe Armstrong's face. I glued them though. I _don't_ sew. Sewing is girly. And pink is girly. Therefore, I can't sew because, if I did, I'd be pink.

My hair fell down around my shoulders so I looked like Samara from the Ring. I didn't feel like I looked deathly enough, though, so I lined my eyes in black and smeared blood-red lipstick across my mouth. Then I glazed my lips with black lip gloss. So they weren't red anymore. (WHATTHEFUCKNO.)

B'loody Mary had become my roommate when she converted into a weeaboo… and partially because I needed a new roommate when Willow/Raven burst into a cheese wheel. The house elves did well with her.

"You look kawaii, girl." Bee-Loody Mary sounded sad.

"Fangs. You do too." I was more upset, so I tried to sound it. As I stood there, I slit open both of my wrists, feeling totally depressed. The hunger was setting in, and I couldn't handle it any more. I sucked all of the blood oozing from my gaping wrists. The unicorn shit found its way to my eyes again, and I cried again in my bathroom after closing the shades of the nonexistent windows since I'm in a dungeon so that Snap and Loopin couldn't spy on me this time.

Throughout the day, I went to some classes to prove that I haven't fallen too deeply into the plot hole and that time still actually passes in this screwy universe. Vampire was in Hair Care for Magical Magic Creatures, but he too looked depressed that Draco had disappeared. He used to be in love with Draco. However, Draco loves me now. So, this just isn't going to work.

"Hi," he said to me while taking a break from sucking some blood from this stupid Hufflepuff pansy.

"Hi back," I said in a way that was equally said.

We both just looked at each other for some time. I found myself locked in his gaze; I couldn't turn away. Harry had beautiful, red, gothic eyes. They were so much like Draco's…

Well, I couldn't stop myself. Suddenly, I just jumped him. And I rode that scrawny asshat like I was at a professional rodeo.

"STOP IT NOW YOU HORNY SIMPLETONS!" shouted Professor McGoggle who was watching us along with everyone else.

That somehow brought me back to my senses.

"Vampire, you fucker!" I slapped him. _Hard_. "Stop trying to screw me. You know I loved Draco!"

I ran away angrily, not really knowing what I meant by that. _Loved?_ Could I possibly have meant that to be in past tense?

Before I could finish storming off, Vampire started to cream – NO I mean scream.

"OHMFUHGUH! NOOOOO! MY SCAR HURTS!" And his eyes rolled back to visit his internal cranial cavity.

I suddenly had this overwhelming sense of déjà vu. But, how?

"NO!" I gasped. I ran up closer to him, gazing across his face. "I thought you didn't have a scar anymore!"

Somehow, I had convinced myself it would be easy. Just that easy. What a joke.

"I do. Diabolo changed it into a pentagram for me, even though I always cover it up with foundation. It's just so tacky." His fingers trailed across his forehead; a pained snarl still adorned his features. "My scar just started hurting, and all of a sudden, it turned back into the lightning bolt! Almost like it just transfigured itself on my face… Oh, please save me! I had a… this vision of what was happening… what was happening to Draco."

He paused. An expression crossed his snarl like he couldn't even believe himself. "Voldemort has him bondage!"

No.

_No._

* * *

**AN: **I'm really tired, guys. This chapter feels so long. I don't know why I'm even awake right now writing this. BE HAPPY.

But, seriously: this chapter had me straight up shitty. And if I ever have to see the color ebony, I will shoot somebody. With an ass blade. I'm done.

By the way, I spent pretty much the entire time writing this listening to music from The Sims 3. Just thought I'd throw that out there.

_SPECIAL FANGZ 2 RAVEN MY GOFFIX BLOOD SISTA WTF UR SUPPOZD 2 RIT DIS!11111111_

_HEY RAVEN DO U KNOW WHERE MY SWEATER I_


	13. I KEEL YOU

**AN: **Haha. Chapter twelve was like: "Hey, guys! I'm gonna be 6 pages long, 'kay?" and chapter thirteen was like: "FUCK YOU, TWELVE." In other words: this chapter is hella short. XD

Anyway… without further ado, please read and review.

* * *

Tara's:

Chapter 13.

AN: raven fangz 4 gelpin me agen im sory ah tok ur postr of gerard but dat guy is such a fokin sexbom! PREPZ STOP FLAMIGNG!

Vampire and I ran up the stairs looking for Dumbledore. We were so scared.

"Dumbledore Dumblydore!" we both yelled. Dumbledore came there.

"What is it that you want now you despicable snobs?" he asked angrily.

"Volsemort has Draco!" we shouted at the same time.

He laughed in an evil voice.

"No! Don't! We need to save Draco!" we begged.

"No." he said meanly. "I don't give a darn what Voldemort does to Draco. Not after how much he misbehaved in school especially with YOU Ebony." he said while he frowned looking at me. "Besides I never liked him that much anyway." then he walked away. Vampire started crying. "My Draco!" he moaned. (AN: don't u fik gay guyz r lik so hot!)

"Its okay!" I tried to tell him but that didn't stop him. He started to cry tears of blood. Then he had a brainstorm. "I had an idea!" he exclaimed.

"What?" I asked him.

"You'll see." he said. He took out his wand and did a spell. Then… suddenly we were in Voldemprt's lair!

We ran in with our wands out just as we heard a croon voice say. "Allah Kedavra!"  
It was….. Voldemort!

* * *

_Previously…_

_Somehow, I had convinced myself it would be easy. Just that easy. What a joke._

"_I do. Diabolo changed it into a pentagram for me, even though I always cover it up with foundation. It's just so tacky." His fingers trailed across his forehead; a pained snarl still adorned his features. "My scar just started hurting, and all of a sudden, it turned back into the lightning bolt! Almost like it just transfigured itself on my face… Oh, please save me! I had a… this vision of what was happening… what was happening to Draco."_

_He paused. An expression crossed his snarl like he couldn't even believe himself. "Voldemort has him bondage!"_

_No._

No.

* * *

**Chapter Thirteen.**

We were so scared. Vampire tagged close behind as we ran through the castle halls screaming. We had to find Dumblydore. At that moment, that was all that I knew. There was nothing else. We _had_ to find Dumblydore!

It felt like forever before we finally made the right turn toward Dumblydore's coordinates. Even when we saw him down the hallway, we couldn't stop screaming.

"Dumblydore! Dumblydore!" we shouted into the cold quite of the near deserted antechamber. We finally broke at a stop just close enough the see the snarling glare on the old man's face. It was all we saw before our vision was clouded as we were soaked with a warm, wet substance.

"What is it that you want _now_, you despicable snobs?" he growled like a taunted gorilla, wiping the creamy goo from his hands onto his robes.

"Voldemort has Draco, Professor!" we shouted in chorus. We could hardly hold our wits about us. _Draco._

But the headmaster's reaction was far from what we expected. His malicious laugh ricocheted around the stone walls, trapping us in his mockery. I couldn't even speak.

"No! Don't! We need to save Draco!" It was Vampire who gathered himself enough to communicate.

"No." His staunch voice was firm. "Frankly, dear, I don't give a damn. Voldemort can do what he'd like with Draco. He has pushed my tolerance with is ill behavior… especially with _you, _Ebony."

There was a pause while he frowned at me. It couldn't have been that long, but it felt long enough to make me feel like he could boil my putrefying organs just by looking at me. It felt like I was crumbling.

"Besides," Dumblydore continued, "I never like him that much anyway."

And then he walked away.

"My Draco!" Vampire moaned. His gay sensitivity was so hot; I couldn't help but console him.

"It's okay!" I tried to assure him, but the bloody tears cascaded down his face anyway. He gave a short sob before a little jump, as if he just realized something.

"I had an idea!" he exclaimed, straightening his self and his robes.

"What?" I asked him.

"You'll see," he said. He slid his wand out of his robes and gave it a little swish and flick. Whatever he had done, we were suddenly somewhere else. I couldn't tell where, just that I'd never been there before. But I realized, when he looked at me with that excited guise on his features, that we had to be in Voldemort's lair.

He whipped out his wand and I strapped mine on tight before charging into the plot hole like some sick shit from a Wayans brothers' movie. That was the day we learned that Voldemort had joined the Taliban. He will forever on be known as Chileab. Chileab: the man who believed he deserved the divine gift eternal.

Chileab saw us coming before we could even act. It was as if he expected us to come; expected what we were doing. As if it was all a part of his plan. It all happened in a sudden flash. I saw his arm rise, he yelled, "Allah Kedavra!"

His chant to his lord echoed in my brain like the last thing I'd ever hear.

_And then he was gone._

* * *

**AN: **HEY THERE. Got a little serious, now, didn't we?

By the way, Chileab is a Hebrew name meaning "like his father." I know. Bad joke. I'm sorry.

kthnxbai.


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